Teenagers, how they dress and personal hygiene

If my son could have his way, this is a close representation of how he wants his hair. I gave him the option of not cutting his hair, as long as he combed or picked it out on a daily basis, but he went over a week at a time without combing it, so I cut it this week. You would have thought the world had ended.

This is a touchy topic for many parents of teenagers. It's not a new topic for me, it's one I have dealt with for over 15 years now. Where do you draw the line between allowing children to express themselves versus making sure what they wear is appropriate?

Some would argue that teenagers are old enough to make the decision on what to wear and how often to take a bath, but looking around at youth today I don't think that's true. As a parent, I am still ultimately accountable and responsible for my children. So I do have the right to tell my daughter, you can't wear clothes that show your breasts or butt cheeks hanging out and I can tell my sons they aren't going to wear anything that shows a butt crack or pants that fall off the hip tied on with shoestrings.

Its the same thing about personal hygiene. If most toddlers had their way, they would never take a bath, have their hair combed or brush their teeth, but we don't let toddlers get away with "having their way" because they are just kids and they don't know any better. I don't believe that maturity automatically shows up by virtue of a given birthday. If you have to be told to take a bath because you smell or to comb your hair because it looks like a dust mop, you aren't mature.

All children, regardless of age need to be taught matters of personal hygiene, i.e.: taking a bath daily, brushing their teeth, and combing their hair. Our bodies are constantly shedding dead skin cells and the those dead cells are abundant with bacteria, viruses, and other microscopic organisms. Those critters don't just fall off our bodies as we shed our dead cells. They must be washed off, and combed off, on a daily basis.

While letting a child express themselves is important to a child's comfort with themselves, and strengthens their ego's, it doesn't overrule the obligation to be sanitary in caring for our bodies. Personal hygiene is not optional, its a requirement for everyday living. I find it disgusting for anyone to go weeks and months without ever putting a brush or comb through their head. If you've ever had to sit with a 16 year old girl who hasn't combed her hair through for months and found one big mass of matted hair, you'll understand how heart wrenching it is to continue sitting there with your arms around them as they cry on your shoulder, because at that point, there is no "cure" for matted hair except to cut it off.

My children can try to convince me I don't care or that I am being mean, or try to guilt me into letting them have their way, but it's my job as their parent to do what is best for them despite all of their accusations. Do they think I enjoy arguing every day over clothing and hygiene? There's a million other things I would rather be doing, but since I am the only "parent" and only "adult" in this house, I don't get to take a break from my responsibility.

Not to mention, what about my feelings as a parent? Should "my" feelings count? Should whats important to "me" matter to anyone? Or do I no longer matter??? It appears to be the case around here.

A few weeks ago at a football game for my son, I was standing on the sidelines when I overheard a group of about 6-7 teenage girls discussing my son, and how "ugly" he was, because of his refusal to comb his hair. I felt like crying, for both of us. Over the past month, I have had friends, co-workers, cashiers at the store, and other people as they go by comment about my son's hair, about how he needs a haircut. For my son to go out in public resembling a homeless person who can't afford shampoo and a hairbrush, it makes me look bad.

The same thing about when he wears pants out in public that show his butt crack and are tied together around his hips with a shoestring. It is a reflection of me and how I raised him. It is not appropriate. I don't care what color he wears, and I don't care what type of shirt or pants he wears, as long as its decent. No shirts with foul language. No pants so low you can his nether region or "hairline". No pants with holes large enough to see underwear through.

I have visions of teacher's writing notes about my son saying things like, "child comes to school every day with dirty clothes and unkempt hair." That's the kind of stuff I don't need to be dealing with. If anyone questions his appearance, I am the one going to get judged and rebuked, not him.

Are my rules stifling his "style"? Well if they are, too bad. The sooner he learns that there are acceptable rules of social behavior the better. When he goes into the working world, he isn't going to be going to work looking like a bum, no one is going to hire him. There will be dress codes and the sooner he learns to comply the better.

The issues of personal hygiene are also for his benefit. Once a kid gets a reputation as a kid who "stinks" or is "dirty" or has "ratty" hair, its almost impossible to lose that reputation. I speak from experience. I was branded with a nickname in junior high school that stuck all the way past graduation. I was picked on and teased over my hair every single day. I know what its like to be ridiculed for having ubangee type hair and I don't want my son picked on because of his lack of personal hygiene.

It isnt just his hair, its the bathing issues, clean clothes issue, wearing his glasses or contacts, etc. Even animals in the wild groom themselves or they groom each other. The two dogs and one cat I live take better care of their hair than my son does.

Despite what people may think, what is important to me, also matters. I have feelings and as a parent, my feelings should be considered. I shouldn't have to be stressed every day, worrying about my kids and how they look or how they smell. I am not going to be one of those parents who allow their children to put tattoos all over their body, and piercings through their nostrils or nipples, or wear T-shirts with foul language or symbols.

Hopefully one day my son will forgive me for being a parent and doing things that are for his own good.